SteveNOTsolostandlonelyinlondon

How it is. Occassional thoughts, occassional moments, from a London gay man... 'A perfect day, a perfect night..' If only... I`m all fingers 'n' thumbs...

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Location: Twickenham (Greater London), Middlesex, United Kingdom

Chilled cd-aholic, music,reading, travel, socialising,chatting to everybody about all sorts of bizarre stuff, but always with a big grin ;) oh and being gay, though it`s not a profession; just who i am :)

Sunday, January 30, 2005

Bosnia's horrific war memories

By Nick Thorpe BBC News, Bosnia

There were countless horrors in the wars which led to the break-up of Yugoslavia in the 1990s. A Serbian army general has now surrendered to the authorities and will go to the United Nations tribunal in The Hague to answer war crimes charges dating back to 1999. But what happens once camp guards have served their sentences?

Kole stood trial in The Hague in Holland in 1999
Dragan Kolundzija, Kole to his friends, is sitting at the bar of the Hotel Prijedor when we enter.
He smiles awkwardly and gets down off the stool to shake hands.
He looks younger than his 46 years.
If you saw him in the street, you could mistake him for a football coach.
Not a reserve policeman.
Not a concentration camp guard.
He has not agreed to an interview yet. He has turned down the approaches of other journalists.
It takes Lola 10 minutes to persuade him to speak.
Lola, my fixer, who fought for a while in the same Bosnian Serb army as Kole and tells dirty jokes all day long, has a heart of gold and is not afraid of anything.
Meanwhile, I watch the women cleaning the glass panels which dot the lobby of the hotel.
Then we go upstairs to a big empty room with a gas heater.
The hotel staff seem afraid of us, or of Kole, I cannot decide which.

Kole was a guard at Keraterm in 1992, one of three concentration camps in north-west Bosnia, where nearly 1,700 Bosnian Muslims were tortured to death in three months in the summer of 1992.
Thousands of others still bear the scars.

He pleaded guilty to one count of persecution as a crime against humanity. And got three years in jail from the Hague War Crimes Tribunal.
And was one of the first to be released.
Five of his fellow guards are still serving sentences.
"There were 30 in total", he says.
Sitting with him, it is easy to remember that the Serbs too are victims of the Bosnian war.
That the jailers too, suffer.
His hands shake badly. And his lips.
He tries to hold his hands still on the pure white tablecloth.

We make small talk for a while, but I cannot pretend we have come to talk about the river, which flows lazily by, beneath the windows.
I try to be gentle.
I am a storyteller, not a prosecutor.

What ways were open to you to show kindness to the prisoners?
He breaks down immediately.

Unusual friendship

After a while, he says he has a friend.
A Muslim, who was an inmate at the camp, when he was a guard.
We guards were much closer to robots than to human beings you know.....
Kole - `Would we like to meet him? `
Ten minutes later, Suad, known as Duda is there.
He too is trembling.
The Serb and the Muslim, the guard and his prisoner are sitting side-by-side, broken faced, broken eyed, drinking stupid soft drinks as though there was no war, no cruelty, no injustice in this world.
"We guards were much closer to robots than to human beings... we were all doing things which were not connected to our true selves... " says Kole.
"There was chaos in the compound, and chaos outside in the town. And men with guns."
They explain to me, in fits and starts, what a concentration camp means.
What the concentration of men means.
It is where men are concentrated to death.
Four rooms with 400-500 men in each, 120 metres square.
In the summer heat. With no space to lie down.
Civilians, from 15 to 90-years-old.
Rounded up at the start of the war on the orders of the high command, zealously carried out by local henchmen.
Muslims had been officially declared vermin.
So they had to be concentrated.
Every night Serb soldiers, back from the front, came to the camp.
They wanted revenge for lost comrades.
They asked the guards for the keys to the rooms.
And committed acts of unspeakable barbarity. Of sexual humiliation and horror.

Of all the guards, only Kole refused to hand over the key, says Duda.
That was the only shift when there were no beatings or killings.
Except for just one night.

'Dark black night'

"It was dark, the soldiers somehow got into the room and Kole was shouting, stop shooting, stop shooting!" Duda says. "By morning there were 200 bodies."
Kole is hunched up at the table, staring at the back of his hands, as though he does not know what they are.
After a while he says, "that was a dark, black night".
At the Hague, Duda testified in his defence.
Partly thanks to that, Kole is out already.
The judges believed he did what he could, to alleviate the suffering.
Now the two men are friends again. Like they were at primary school, like beautiful lost children growing gradually and only aware of themseleves and each other...

After the interview, I try to find the toilet but my brain is fogged up.
I walk headfirst into a plate glass door. The women cleaned it too well. It quivers but does not break.
I walk with my hands in front of me now, like a blind man.

But there are those who still believe in a final solution to the 'Muslim problem'
This hotel, this country is a labyrinth of invisible glass.
On the way out of Prijedor, we pass Keraterm, the ex-camp. Once a factory for bathroom tiles.
It is a low, meaningless building beside another factory, which boasts a chimney at least, for making bricks.
25,000 Muslims are back in Prijedor. Out of the 45,000 who once lived here.
Some stare at Kole in the street. Some shake his hand.
Nearly everyone was changed by the war.
But there are those who still believe in a final solution to the "Muslim problem".
That one race, or ethnic group, is better than another.
But if Kole and Duda can live together anyone can.....


S x

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

'I don't like Monday 24 January'

Staying in bed could be the best option.

Misery is expected to peak on Monday, as 24 January has been pinpointed as the worst day of the year.
January has been long regarded as the darkest of months, but a formula from a part-time tutor at Cardiff University shows it gets even worse this Monday.
Foul weather, debt, fading Christmas memories, failed resolutions and a lack of motivation conspire to depress, Cliff Arnalls found.
GPs say reading up on depression and exercise are ways to beat winter blues.
"Yes, we do see lots of people with depression and anxiety in the winter months.
"The message is it's not a terrible disorder, people do get better," Dr Alan Cohen told BBC News.

JANUARY BLUES DAY FORMULA
1/8W+(D-d) 3/8xTQ MxNA.
Where:

W: Weather
D: Debt
d: Money due in January pay
T: Time since Christmas
Q: Time since failed quit attempt
M: General motivational levels
NA: The need to take action

"Exercise and bibliotherapy - reading a number of books to allow people to understand their own symptoms and how to control them," were initial treatments, he said.
The formula for the day of misery reads 1/8W+(D-d) 3/8xTQ MxNA.
Where W is weather, D is debt - minus the money (d) due on January's pay day - and T is the time since Christmas.
Q is the period since the failure to quit a bad habit, M stands for general motivational levels and NA is the need to take action and do something about it.

GPs say exercise will boost spirits
Dr Arnalls calculated the effects of cold, wet and dark January weather after the cosiness of Christmas coupled with extra spending in the sales.
He found 24 January was especially dangerous, coming a whole month after Christmas festivities.
Any energy from the holiday had worn off by the third week of January, he said.
By Monday, most people will have fallen off the wagon or abandoned the nicotine patches as they fail to keep New Year's resolutions.
That compounds a sense of failure and knocks confidence needed to get through January.
The fact that the most depressing day fell on a Monday was not planned but a coincidence, he said.

Do you dread 24 January? Is this the most depressing month? How can you beat the winter blues? Send us your views.
We would also like a photograph that represents how you felt on the day if you have one , email them to yourpics@bbc.co.uk with the subject line 'Misery'.


Says it all...

S x

Sunday, January 16, 2005

Marc Almond.

MARC ALMOND ON HIS HORROR CRASH .

Jan 15 2005
EXCLUSIVE: `It turned me grey and made me stutter again but I'm lucky to be alive`
By Fiona Cummins, Showbiz Reporter,Daily Mirror.

Marc Almond's horrific motorbike crash that left him unconscious for 10 days has brought back his childhood stammer. He gives an exclusive interview to the Mirror.
The Soft Cell star suffered two massive blood clots that caused his head to "swell to the size of a football".
He fractured his skull in two places, shattered his right shoulder, perforated his eardrum, suffered a collapsed lung, underwent emergency surgery twice and faced the prospect of brain damage.

SURVIVOR
He couldn't walk or talk in the aftermath of the smash, which saw him tossed 20ft through the air.
One of the most difficult aspects of the accident is that the singer's stutter has returned with a vengeance.
"When I was in my teens, I had a terrible stammer," he says. "It has come back worse than ever now and I suppose that's because I was shaken up like a jelly.
"I couldn't get a fix on sounds properly. I was in shock and couldn't form words. Sometimes I can't even speak on the phone. If I hear disembodied voices I can't focus or talk - I'm going to have to work on that."
Describing his feelings after the crash, Marc says: "It was very difficult and emotional. But I'm a tough old boot. When I first came round and found out my situation, I was determined to be strong and get out of hospital. I wasn't going to be beaten by it."
The singer, who spent five weeks in hospital, believes it was a CD of daft songs which finally roused him. "I have a parrot at home and I sing these silly, childish songs to it and they played me a CD of those songs.
"I also remember the tune Oh Superman, by Laurie Anderson, from when I was unconscious. Apparently somebody on the scene was playing it in their car and the lyrics are: 'You'd better get ready, ready to go'."
But the gay star, who has a long-term partner, didn't go. He woke up instead... and thought he'd been kidnapped.
"I opened my eyes and thought I'd been taken prisoner and was being tortured.
"I couldn't understand why they had stuck all these things in my mouth. I tried to pull everything out because I didn't know what was happening and they had to bind my hands.
"Eventually, I started to accept my situation. It was just very frightening - the strangest thing that has ever happened to me."
A S he began to regain consciousness, Marc's first memory was of voices. "I remember my mother saying: 'You must come round now, you've been asleep for nine days, you've been in a terrible accident.'
"Then I'd hear the voice of a friend, then my sister, then another voice, asking me to wake up.
"At first, I couldn't understand why they were there, all talking to me. I was trying to make some sense of the situation... then, eventually, I came round.
"I wondered if I was in a dream and hoped someone would wake me up."
Although a flamboyant performer with a reputation for excess, Marc's confidence has been badly shaken.
The star, whose hair turned grey after the smash, is polite, nervous and apologetic, saying it's the first time he has discussed the accident outside his circle of friends and family. He fears he may become "emotional".
But though he is still recovering in many ways, his sense of humour remains intact and he talks non-stop as if he finds it cathartic to share how he came so close to death.
Marc, 47, who has had a string of hits including the 1981 classic Tainted Love, Say Hello, Wave Goodbye, Torch, Tears Run Rings, The Days of Pearly Spencer, Jacky and Something's Gotten Hold Of My Heart, has no memory of the accident. But the five-inch scar which runs across the right side of his head is a stark reminder.
He had been riding pillion on October 17 last year when the Suzuki crashed into a car near St Paul's Cathedral. As he hurtled over the handlebars, he inadvertently dragged off the helmet of the bike's driver - his manager and close friend Mark.

CATHARTIC
And as he lay bleeding, Marc also pulled off his own helmet - extremely dangerous after suffering a serious head injury.
"Yes, I was lucky not to haemorrhage. The paramedics arrived then and sedated me. They saved my life because I had a huge blood clot and my head was the size of a football. They did emergency surgery and then it happened again so they had to operate again."
Marc's gaunt face pales as he tells what happened in the aftermath, when his mother was urged to travel down from Southport, near Liverpool, as it was feared her son may not survive the night.
"They had to drive for six hours, not knowing what they were going to find."
Marc was in such a terrible condition that they even hid mirrors from him. "Apparently, I didn't look very pleasant at all. My eye was almost hanging down my face and I was black with bruising.
"I had plugs sticking out of my head, I was having transfusions, I was on an oxygen machine and they had a bolt to monitor the pressure on my brain."
His family were also warned that the star might be severely brain damaged. "The doctors warned them to be prepared but, although I have the stammer and the anxiety, it's a natural thing I've got to overcome - it's not down to brain damage.
"I've gone very grey since the accident and I'd maybe like to use a little hair colour but I want to let the scars heal. I also want to show that I'm not afraid or embarrassed - they're just my war wounds," he laughs.
He keeps giggling as he explains that he has no dignity left now, after so many friends have had to help him to the bathroom.
In all, Marc spent three weeks in the Royal Free before moving to the private London Clinic for a fortnight.
Of the bike's driver Mark, the singer will only say: "He's had some terrible injuries and is dealing with it in his own way."

BEFORE the accident, the star had been enjoying a revival. He received rave reviews for gigs at London's Almeida Theatre in July, which have been immortalised in his Sin Songs, Torch And Romance DVD, released on January 31.
His body may now be a patchwork of scars and his shoulder may never work properly again but Marc says: "I look at it as if I've been given another chance. There was a young guy in hospital with me with a head injury who, sadly, didn't make it.
"Yes, I know my life is a bit different now and it's never going to be totally like it was but it'll be as near-as-dammit."
Marc has also battled not to become a recluse, although the accident left him "terrified of going out" and he admits he'll need counselling to help him heal psychologically.
At one stage during his hospitalisation, he faced the prospect of a tracheotomy - which could have ended his singing career - but he reports that his voice is fine.
In fact, he hopes to be back on stage by the summer after an operation on his shoulder next month and wants to reschedule concerts with his Soft Cell co-star Dave Ball, which were due to take place before Christmas.
His ordeal has made him more philosophical about life. "Some people make their beds, go out for a lovely day and never come home," he says. "I came back after five weeks.
"It makes you aware of how fragile you are, of your own mortality and that things can happen just like that - and so randomly.
"Life is an adventure. It's not about being successful. Success for me is going from one failure to the next without diminished enthusiasm. It's about having an interesting life and great friends.
"I don't have huge ambitions. I just want to have a good life and a chance to live it."
Then he leans forward, his childish face alight as he repeats euphorically: "I am so lucky. I'm alive, I'm alive."
Marc Almond has not been paid for this interview. A donation has been made on his behalf to London's Air Ambulance, the Helicopter Emergency Medical Service, based at the Royal London Hospital.

S x

Article from The Guardian 04/01/05

The victims of the tsunami pay the price of war on Iraq

US and British aid is dwarfed by the billions both spend on slaughter

by George Monbiot
Tuesday January 4, 2005
The Guardian

There has never been a moment like it on British television. The Vicar of Dibley, one of our gentler sitcoms, was bouncing along with its usual bonhomie on New Year's Day when it suddenly hit us with a scene from another world. Two young African children were sobbing and trying to comfort each other after their mother had died of Aids. How on earth, I wondered, would the show make us laugh after that? It made no attempt to do so. One by one the characters, famous for their parochial boorishness, stood in front of the camera wearing the white armbands which signalled their support for the Make Poverty History campaign. You would have to have been hewn from stone not to cry.
The timing was perfect. In my local Oxfam shop last week, people were queueing to the door to pledge money for the tsunami fund. A pub on the other side of town raised £1,000 on Saturday night. In the pot on the counter of the local newsagent's there must be nearly £100. The woman who runs the bakery told me about the homeless man she had seen, who emptied his pockets in the bank, saying "I just want to do my bit", while the whole queue tried not to cry.
Over the past few months, reviewing the complete lack of public interest in what is happening in the Democratic Republic of Congo, and the failure, in the west, to mobilise effective protests against the continuing atrocities in Iraq, I had begun to wonder whether we had lost our ability to stand in other people's shoes. I have now stopped wondering. The response to the tsunami shows that, however we might seek to suppress it, we cannot destroy our capacity for empathy.
But one obvious question recurs. Why must the relief of suffering, in this unprecedentedly prosperous world, rely on the whims of citizens and the appeals of pop stars and comedians? Why, when extreme poverty could be made history with a minor redeployment of public finances, must the poor world still wait for homeless people in the rich world to empty their pockets?
The obvious answer is that governments have other priorities. And the one that leaps to mind is war. If the money they have promised to the victims of the tsunami still falls far short of the amounts required, it is partly because the contingency fund upon which they draw in times of crisis has been spent on blowing people to bits in Iraq.
The US government has so far pledged $350m to the victims of the tsunami, and the UK government £50m ($96m). The US has spent $148 billion on the Iraq war and the UK £6bn ($11.5bn). The war has been running for 656 days. This means that the money pledged for the tsunami disaster by the United States is the equivalent of one and a half day's spending in Iraq. The money the UK has given equates to five and a half days of our involvement in the war.
It looks still worse when you compare the cost of the war to the total foreign aid budget. The UK has spent almost twice as much on creating suffering in Iraq as it spends annually on relieving it elsewhere. The United States gives just over $16bn in foreign aid: less than one ninth of the money it has burnt so far in Iraq.
The figures for war and aid are worth comparing because, when all the other excuses for the invasion of Iraq were stripped away, both governments explained that it was being waged for the good of the Iraqis. Let us, for a moment, take this claim at face value. Let us suppose that the invasion and occupation of Iraq had nothing to do with power, domestic politics or oil, but were, in fact, components of a monumental aid programme. And let us, with reckless generosity, assume that more people in Iraq have gained as a result of this aid programme than lost.
To justify the war, even under these wildly unsafe assumptions, George Bush and Tony Blair would have to show that the money they spent was a cost-efficient means of relieving human suffering. As it was sufficient to have made a measurable improvement in the lives of all the 2.8 billion people living in absolute poverty, and as there are only 25 million people in Iraq, this is simply not possible. Even if you ignore every other issue - such as the trifling matter of mass killing - the opportunity costs of the Iraq war categorise it as a humanitarian disaster. Indeed, such calculations suggest that, on cost grounds alone, a humanitarian war is a contradiction in terms.
But our leaders appear to have lost the ability to distinguish between helping people and killing them. The tone of Blair's New Year message was almost identical to that of his tear-jerking insistence that we understand the Iraqi people must be bombed for their own good. The US marines who have now been dispatched to Sri Lanka to help the rescue operation were, just a few weeks ago, murdering the civilians (for this, remember, is an illegal war), smashing the homes and evicting the entire population of the Iraqi city of Falluja.
Even within the official aid budgets the two aims are confused: $8.9bn of the aid money the US spends is used for military assistance, anti-drugs operations, counter-terrorism and the Iraq relief and reconstruction fund (otherwise known as the Halliburton benevolent trust). For Bush and Blair, the tsunami relief operation and the Iraq war are both episodes in the same narrative of salvation. The civilised world rides out to rescue foreigners from their darkness.
While they spend the money we gave them to relieve suffering on slaughtering the poor, the world must rely for disaster relief on the homeless man emptying his pockets. If our leaders were as generous in helping people as they are in killing them, no one would ever go hungry.
· You can join the campaign against global poverty at:

www.makepoverthistory.org

S x

Friday, January 07, 2005

lyrics...

BEING BORING


(tennant/lowe)

I came across a cache of old photos
And invitations to teenage parties
Dress in white one said, with quotations
From someone’s wife, a famous writer
In the nineteen-twenties
When you’re young you find inspiration
In anyone who’s ever gone
And opened up a closing door
She said: we were never feeling bored

’cause we were never being boring
We had too much time to find for ourselves
And we were never being boring
We dressed up and fought, then thought: make amends
And we were never holding back or worried that
Time would come to an end

When I went I left from the station
With a haversack and some trepidation
Someone said: if you’re not careful
You’ll have nothing left and nothing to care for
In the nineteen-seventies
But I sat back and looking forward
My shoes were high and I had scored
I’d bolted through a closing door
I would never find myself feeling bored

’cause we were never being boring
We had too much time to find for ourselves
And we were never being boring
We dressed up and fought, then thought: make amends
And we were never holding back or worried that
Time would come to an end
We were always hoping that, looking back
You could always rely on a friend

Now I sit with different faces
In rented rooms and foreign places
All the people I was kissing
Some are here and some are missing
In the nineteen-nineties
I never dreamt that I would get to be
The creature that I always meant to be
But I thought in spite of dreams
You’d be sitting somewhere here with me

’cause we were never being boring
We had too much time to find for ourselves
And we were never being boring
We dressed up and fought, then thought: make amends
And we were never holding back or worried that
Time would come to an end
We were always hoping that, looking back
You could always rely on a friend

And we were never being boring
We had too much time to find for ourselves
And we were never being boring
We dressed up and fought, then thought: make amends
And we were never being boring
We were never being bored
’cause we were never being boring
We were never being bored...




Pet Shop Boys
1990
`Behaviour`
Uk n.o. 20

Although not as commercially successful as many of their singles, “Being Boring” may well be the most beautiful thing the Pet Shop Boys ever recorded.Over a lush musical soundscape of warm basslines and sustained strings, Neil Tennant opens up lyrically, giving a simple chronological account of his life and times, with plenty of clever colour and insight into his 20s and 30s.But it’s with the last of the three verses that “Being Boring” really makes its magic felt, as the tone shifts from one of gentle reminiscence to become a lament for friends lost: “All the people I was kissing/ Some are here and some are missing/ In the nineteen-nineties”.That verse takes on extra poignancy with the knowledge that Tennant had recently lost a close friend to AIDS, but despite that the song retains an air of positivity: more a celebration of life than a mourning of death.The title itself comes from the novelist F Scott Fitzgerald’s wife Zelda, herself an author, who wrote: “She refused to be bored chiefly because she wasn’t boring.”

R.I.P. Tsunami victims & famillies

luv Steve xx